It’s been an absolute joy to witness all her ‘firsts’ and to watch her become more accomplished at something. In January she started to roll front to back. Rolling back to front proved a little more difficult, she’d get stuck on her shoulder. She’d mastered getting past that by Jan 13th though. Once she knew she could do it, it became her new trick! This proved quite challenging when putting her to bed as at first, she didn’t enjoy being on her front so she’d roll over then start crying! Over the weeks she’s got stronger & stronger & can move herself back onto her back with ease and now enjoys being on her front. She can get up on all fours & crawls backwards! She will lie on her front & drag herself forward to reach things. I don’t think it will be long before she masters crawling forward though.

She’s not quite there with sitting up yet. The main reason is because she’s too interested in being on her front! Her balance is definitely getting there though & she does sit unaided for a while.  The first time she managed that was on Feb 17th, I was so proud!

On Feb 26th we introduced Jessica to a walker. She couldn’t quite reach the floor but loved sitting in it and playing with the activity centre. She managed to move it on March 2nd but until March 20th, she hadn’t really scooted around in it. This probably had something to do with the fact that it was on the last height setting! It must have clicked up when one of us has picked it up to move it. Since I’ve lowered it she can touch the floor and is now scooting around the front room happily.

Sleeping wise she’s doing fairly well over all. Most nights she just wakes once for a bottle. Once we started her on solids properly in February, she had a short period of sleeping through. Then she had a growth spurt & wanted/needed milk in the night again! She’s also been really snotty the past 3 weeks or so but doesn’t seem ill. She’s chewing everything & drooling a fair bit so I’m wondering whether she’s teething. There are bad nights where she’s had me up nearly every hour or stayed awake after her feed but generally, I can’t complain too much! I’ve found the interrupted and lack of sleep a challenge with my CFS. Even when I’ve been getting 6 or 7 hours sleep I’ve felt like I’ve had about 2!

As I mentioned, we introduced solids in February but I’m going to write a post soley about feeding so look out for that!

Jessica is such a happy & generally contented baby. She has her off days when she can be grizzly & demanding but otherwise, she’s a joy to be around. We have lots of fun & nothing makes me happier than seeing her gorgeous smiling face every morning. She was 6 months old on March 5th & I got quite emotional. It felt like a big day & we marked the occasion with a little photo shoot. My Brother in Law has professional equipment & is a good photographer. I am so pleased with the pictures, I can’t stop looking at them.

Yesterday was my first Mothers Day & it was wonderful. Being a Mum was just a distant dream not so long ago and I still can’t believe my dream came true. I treasure every single second with my gorgeous little girl. She’s 7 months old tomorrow!

I found I was really excited about Christmas.  Jessica obviously had no idea what was happening but it was still magical.  I put her in a sleepsuit with HO HO HO on the front which made me smile when she woke up on Christmas morning. She was so happy and cute and even looked suitably impressed when we showed her all her pressies!

She had 2 outfits to wear courtesy of her Nannies!  She was Little Miss Santa then a fairy. I was a little bit worried about making sure everyone had some time with her and thought I was running late when I got to my Brother’s around 11am. I was very relieved when it turned out the rest of my family were only just getting up! The reason why wasn’t so good though. My Brother’s youngest had ended up in A&E! He was up and had a raging temperature when I was there Christmas Eve. I went home about midnight and unknown to me, they took him to hospital just half hour later! Poor little monkey. So consequently, everyone was absolutely shattered. I couldn’t stay too long as we had to go to Andy’s Mum’s for dinner. I’ve never had Christmas dinner at their house before. In fact, I’ve never had Christmas dinner with Andy before!! He always went his Mum’s and I always went my Brother’s. Neither of us could bring ourselves to do any other! Now we’ve got J we want to eat as a family and decided that we’ll alternate between his Mum’s and my Brother’s.

So after going to see all my family we went to Andy’s Mum’s.  Jessica was absolutely ruined by them, I really enjoyed opening all the presents lol. As it was a special day and J was looking cute, my Brother in Law took some pictures with his professional camera. I’ve only seen one of the pics to date but it’s lovely (I’ve attached it with a few other pics)

After we’d eaten & chilled for a while, we went to my Brother’s. They hadn’t even had their dinner! I changed J into the fairy outfit my Mum bought her & she looked even cuter! I was worried about how Mum would be without Nan but she did really well & held it together. Later in the evening she said she didn’t feel well & fell asleep on the sofa. All in all it was a much better day than I was expecting.

Mum was really poorly from Christmas day for a whole week so we didn’t get to see her again til NYE. On Boxing Day I got the night off from baby duty & had a drink. I stayed up til 5.30am which meant I’d been up 24 hours!! I couldn’t work out how I managed to stay up so long until I thought about what I was drinking – JD & copious amounts of cola!

We spent the rest of the week chilling, it was so nice to have Andy around. We took it in turns to get up with J & half the time I’d go back to bed when he got up when it was his turn to lie in! On December 29th, exactly a year to the day since I found out I was pregnant, J had her 1st taste of food! She was messing with her bottle so I wondered whether she was ready for something more. I gave her some banana porridge. It didn’t go down too well as the pics will show!

NYE was a poignant day for me. I thought a lot about the NYE before and what a special day it turned out to be. It was the day I did a digital test and finally believed I was pregnant. I wanted to stay in with Andy but felt I had to go and see my family. Oh how I wish I’d gone with my instincts! Nobody was in a good mood for various reasons and had forced themselves to go round my Brother’s when they just wanted to stay in too. I don’t want to go into it but I knew the evening was going to end in tears and it did. I went home at 11pm upset and very fed up. Andy was asleep on the sofa and wouldn’t wake up so I spent the last hour of 2010 alone and crying. I decided that I was going to see the new year in with J. I was just going to stand by her cot but as I walked up the stairs, she woke up! I was so happy. I’d woken Andy and he managed to get up and we saw in 2011 together as a family which cheered me up lots.

And so 2011 began!

As for Jessica, she’s doing really well.  I might not make the clinic on Monday so I weighed myself then got back on with J & I was 13lb heavier.  That means she’s put on at least a pound in the last 12 days which is pleasing.

She seems to be getting more aware by the day.  She’s almost there with holding her head up now & is very strong & mobile body wise. 

She still suffers with a bit of trapped wind because she has at least one crying fit nearly every day.  It’s a pain cry too, not a whinge or a ‘feed me’ cry lol.  She did it when we went to my Nephew’s birthday party on Tuesday evening.  She cried for over an hour & no-one could hear a thing!  I got a bit upset cuz she seemed so distressed.  It’s hard not knowing exactly what’s wrong with them.

The move into the nursery has gone well regarding Jessica.  She’s definitely more comfortable in there & has only woken once a night apart from one night.  I think she loves having more space in the cot.  It’s funny the positions I keep finding her in!  She’s somehow moved herself so she’s lay across the top of the cot the last two days!  She also managed to get her arm through the bars this morning so I’ve put a muslin square over them like I had to with her crib.

It hasn’t gone so well regarding me.  I’m not sleeping very well without her at all, I really miss her.  To make matters worse, the sensor pad alarm went off on Monday night.  I have never moved so fast in my life!!!  I was so scared as it (supposedly) only goes off if it can’t sense any movement.  Jessica was absolutely fine when I got in the nursery.  She was also fine the other 3 times it went off!!  On Tuesday night the same happened again and in the end I had to switch the sensor pad off.  It wasn’t happening because J wasn’t breathing, there was obviously something wrong with the set up.  On Wednesday I rang the helpline & they advised me to move the pad up a bit as J is only in the top two thirds of the cot (I have put one of those dividers in) and to turn the sensitivity up a little.  I also got a piece of plywood off Andy’s Dad & put it under the pad as that’s what the instructions recommend.  It seems to have worked as the alarm hasn’t gone off since.  Between that & getting used to her not being in my room, sleep has been a bit on the scarce side!  I’m horrendously tired as a result so Andy is going to do the night feed tonight while I sleep in the spare room.  I know I’ll probably hear her wake up but I’m hoping to go back to sleep, I’m desperate for an unbroken night!

I’m not sure I’ll get chance to post again until after Christmas now.  I know Jessica doesn’t know what’s going on but I’m still excited!  If it wasn’t for her I think Christmas would be pretty miserable this year after losing Nan.  Jessica has given us all something to smile about but it’ll still be hard.  I miss Nan so much & I know she would have loved Jessica so much.  I wish she was still here to share our joy. 

Anyway, wishing you all a very Merry Christmas!  I’m sure my next post will be a lengthy one telling you all about Jessica’s day xxx

It’s now 3 weeks later and she’s still quite snotty and it’s disturbed her sleep loads.  I’m convinced half the reason she gets so bunged up at night is because of how warm n stuffy our bedroom is.  It’s finally time to put her in the nursery.  It’s a much nicer atmosphere in there and the radiator has a temperature control whereas ours doesn’t.  I sorted everything out earlier and put her in there for the first time tonight!!  She didn’t seem to be settling at first but it wasn’t long before she fell asleep.  I so hope she gets on OK in there.  I’m dreading going to bed and her not being next to me in the crib though!! 

Luckily her infection hasn’t put her off her milk!  Her next weigh in went well.  She put on 1lb 2oz in 2 weeks and went up to 10lb 2oz!  On Monday I got her weighed again and she’d put on another 1lb 5oz & was 11lb 7oz!  She’s finally moved off the 9th percentile & is now tracking  just under the 25th.  I’m so pleased.

As well as growing rapidly J is also developing a real little character.  It’s a cheeky, happy one and she’s an absolute joy to be around.  She still has crying fits but not very often in comparison to the early days.  She’s getting very vocal now and her lying there chuntering away is the best sound in the world.

We finished our baby massage course last Monday and it didn’t end too well.  I still don’t know what was wrong with J but she started crying just before the end of the massage and wouldn’t stop!  The teacher was trying to do a final run through and no-one could hear what she was saying!  I felt really upset even though the other Mum’s probably understood.  It must have been wind or something cuz J was so happy in the afternoon and didn’t even cry when she got weighed! 

I’ve had 2 nights away from J since I last wrote!  Not really my choice, it’s just the way things worked out.  I agreed to go on a big night out in London on November 20th while I was still pregnant.  I realise now it was a bit too soon for me.  I had a great time but I missed J sooooo much and wasn’t too happy with being so far away.  Andy did a brilliant job of looking after her.  I always wanted to be in a position where I felt confident leaving her with him.  I know some Mum’s don’t but Andy is so hands on and I knew he’d be fine.  

The 2nd night away was my work Christmas do on the 10th.  Andy came with me so it was the first time J didn’t have one of us with her!  I asked my Mum to stay over and look after her.  It was good for Andy and I to have some quality time as it’s pretty rare these days!  We weren’t too far from home either so I didn’t feel as bad as last time but still couldn’t wait to get home.  When I woke up the first thing I said was ‘I want my baby!’  I don’t think I’ll be staying away again for some time now thankfully.

So my little princess is now 3 months old and I am absolutely besotted.  The way I feel about her is indescribable.  Just when I think I can’t love her anymore my heart expands a little bit more.  She only has to give me one of her big smiles and I melt.  It literally moves me to tears sometimes!  Her waking in the night is leaving me exhausted but do you know what, I actually look forward it!  I miss her now she goes to bed at 7pm and love my middle of the night cuddles.

It’s hard to believe that this time last year I was taking fertility drugs and had no clue the treatment would actually work!  It seems like a lifetime ago now but I can still remember it all so clearly.  I think I’ll get quite emotional on the anniversary of the insemination and when I found out I was pregnant.  I feel like the luckiest person in the world

I just kinda fell through the first 3 weeks. It was an endless round of feeding & soothing J & not much sleeping! I was so exhausted from the labour/birth but there was no time for resting or catching up on the sleep I’d lost! Andy only had a week off as that was all the holiday he had left. We couldn’t afford for him to have 2 weeks on paternity pay which made me sad. As I didn’t come home until the Wednesday we only had 4 days together & then he was back to work. Luckily I had both sets of parents to help me. My Mum is a bit of a night owl & so did a few night shifts. She’d come round about 11pm & look after Jessica while I got a little bit of sleep in between feeds. Then my Mother in Law came round every morning to watch her while I had a bath & grabbed some breakfast. I know a lot of new Mum’s don’t have this kind of help & I was so grateful. I don’t think I would have ever got dressed or had anything to eat if it wasn’t for Andy’s Mum! Speaking of eating, I didn’t really have much of an appetite for almost a month! I knew I was supposed to be eating lots to help my milk supply but I found it really hard which isn’t like me! This combined with the breastfeeding meant that the weight fell off me!

Our cat didn’t take too kindly to J’s arrival. When she cried, he cried too!! He was also really fussy & clingy which isn’t like him at all! He was constantly vying for our attention. On the 2nd night J was screaming her head off  & I could  hear the cat crying outside the bedroom door. Andy let him in & he flew over to me & started snaking all around my legs wanting to be fussed. I burst into tears because I thought if he was going to be like that all the time, I wouldn’t cope! One of us was soothing J & the other was soothing the cat. Talk about madness! He’s getting used to her now & only really goes fussy if she cries really loud for a long time.

Before I knew it J had been home  8 days & I realised we hadn’t left the house! It was September 15th, my Nephews birthday & I decided I was going to take J to my Brother’s so I could see my Nephew. I hadn’t really looked at our travel system & by the time I’d put all the bits in the carry cot to make it rigid, I was all hot & bothered. Then I couldn’t seem to get it to sit right. Then J started crying & I had to feed her. Then she needed changing. By this time an hour had passed, Andy was due home & I’d lost the will! Andy walked in to me sobbing about how all I wanted to do was go a walk up the road & I couldn’t even get out the door.

The next day my MIL couldn’t come round for some reason & my Sister came round unexpectedly at about 2pm to find me a starving stinking mess on the sofa still in my PJ’s! I’ve never been so pleased to see someone lol. She helped me with J & we got some cleaning done & then I cried when I told her about my failed attempt to get out the house. She said ‘Right, we’re going out. Get J in the pram now & lets go’ I’d sussed the carry cot by then so I popped her in it & we finally made it out the door! She was screaming her head off but stopped once we’d be walking for a couple of minutes. It felt like such an achievement to be out & about. It was a nice sunny day & for the first time in nearly 2 weeks I felt half normal!

The following day Andy & I went to register Jessica’s birth. I just about managed to get us both ready to leave on time. Well I had wet hair & hadn’t cleaned my teeth but at least I was dressed! This was the first trip out in our car with me driving & I felt nervous! It went fine though. She went to sleep! The registration was actually a really nice little moment. I was a bit sad that we don’t all have the same name but I know we’ll get married one day & I’m looking forward to the day when we have to re register her & I will be Mrs Whittle.

The day after that was my Nephews joint birthday party. For the first time I was going to a kids party with a child of my own & it felt brilliant. I was nervous about how J would be & that I might have to feed her in public but she slept through the whole thing & we were home before she needed feeding again. Next we went round Andy’s parents as it was their Ruby wedding anniversary & they were having a party. I spent half the night feeding but J was very well behaved & it felt good to be out the house.

Now I’d got used to going out with J I decided to venture out to the Breastfeeding group the following Tuesday. J was just over 3 weeks old. I’d had a visit from the Health Visitor a few days before & she’d tried to show me some new positions for feeding J that didn’t involve using a pillow. I understood why but it didn’t work, J screamed the house down & didn’t latch on until she was nestled on a pillow again! It really knocked my confidence so I went to the group to get some advice. I walked in and there were 4 other Mums & a Health Visitor. She came over to me & asked about J then I started telling her about what happened with the other Health Visitor & proceeded to cry! I felt such a fool but all the other Mums were lovely. Two of them gave me their number & told me I could contact them any time. I decided that I was going to feed J however I was comfortable as surely what was important was that she was latching on & feeding well however she was being held.

I went out & about quite a lot after that. I was a bit naughty & timed it around J’s feeds in the hope I wouldn’t have to get my baps out in public! We had a few successful trips into town. There was only one trip when she started crying & I wished I hadn’t bothered!! I ventured further afield on October 30th & travelled 50 miles to go to a friend’s halloween party. It was really lovely but J cried really bad for most of the time we were there & it really stressed me out. I also had a bad time when I met up with my work mates & their babies. We all went into work & J was good there but when we went to a restaurant for something to eat, J had one of her episodes. She was screaming the place down & I felt like everyone was looking. I thought she might be hungry so tried to breastfeed her. I didn’t have much room behind the table & she was too upset to latch on so I got hot n bothered & really stressed. My friends came back from the salad bar to me almost in tears! I felt really stupid & like I was really showing myself up. I felt like never going out again after that episode lol.

Andy slept in the spare room in the week for the first month or so. He wouldn’t have got any sleep otherwise. It was a bit lonely but there was no point in us both being up half the night especially as I was breastfeeding. I can’t remember when it was now but I ended up sleeping downstairs for a week or so at one point. J just wouldn’t go down in the moses basket & I kept falling asleep with her in the bed next to me. It really bothered me as I kept thinking I’d roll onto her or something. I figured the less comfy I was, the less likely it was I’d fall asleep with her on/next to me. She seemed to sleep a bit better in her moses basket downstairs too. His Mum had a swinging crib & we tried that. She did seem to settle better in it so we kept it & I started to sleep upstairs again.

J really suffered with wind & cried a lot. Sometimes it would be gone by about 9pm. Other times she’d cry up until midnight! Depending on when she stopped crying would depend on when we went up to bed. It could be anything from 11pm to 2am. There was just no point in going up until she settled. Andy would say good night & trot off to bed around 10pm every night & I was left alone. He always said to wake him if I was struggling but I never did. Some nights I’d be up until 2am & be so tired from trying to soothe J for hours & not having much sleep that I’d end up crying myself. I’d get fustrated with her some nights too but instantly felt awful for it & would cry even more! Those nights already seem like a long time ago now.

In desperation I turned to Cranial Osteopathy. It had been recommended to me & I’d also read about it. After a particularly bad day where J cried for hours, I was willing to try anything! I found one farily local & booked her in. She’s had 2 sessions & he wants to see her one more time. He said her skull movement was a bit sluggish but he’s almost sorted it.

Despite how tough it was, I couldn’t believe how much I loved my little girl. I regularly had moments where I would look at her as she slept in my arms & just feel like I was going to explode with love & start crying! I thought that might wear off but I still do it all the time! 

Her 6 week check went well apart from the doc telling me to keep an eye on her weight. She was gaining every week but not massive amounts. She was 7lb 10oz born but went right down to 6lb 13lb. She was only 8lb at 6 weeks old. I told the Health Visitor what the doc said & she was a bit peeved as breastfed babies just don’t gain weight like bottle fed babies apparently. She said she didn’t want to me to get anxious & therefore didn’t really want to weigh her every week. I agreed to have her weighed every other week.  I started a baby massage course on Nov 1st which was on the same day as the clinic so the Health Visitor offered to come & weigh J at home the next day. I was having a really bad time with J as she was crying pretty much all day. She’d started to not latch on when she was really upset which was really worrying me. The HV weighed her & I was devastated when it turned out she hadn’t put any weight on in 2 weeks! J then proceeded to have one of her episodes so the HV witnessed her behaviour & when I told her about her not latching on, she asked me how I felt about giving her some formula. I’d given it her before when I was away from her & hadn’t got enough expressed milk so had some in. It turns out that part of the reason she was crying was because she was really hungry. It looks like she was having a growth spurt on top of everything else. The HV also suspected reflux & told me to get an emergency appointment at the docs the next day.

I got her an appointment the next morning & the doc was really lovely & helpful. He thought she had slight reflux too & prescribed her with baby Gaviscon. I was still trying to breastfeed her but she started refusing me even when she wasn’t crying. The last time she properly fed off me was that night (Wed Nov 3rd) From then on, she just cried & pulled away nearly every time I put her to the breast. She’d latch on occasionally but not for long. I was absolutely devastated & sobbed about it every day. It’s only been the last couple of days that I haven’t cried when I’ve thought or spoken about it. I can’t believe how emotional I am about it & how much it means to me. What’s important is that J isn’t going hungry & is gaining weight. I had to focus on that but still found it really hard.

Last Monday I ended up having a massive melt down! J had a bad night so I didn’t get much sleep. There were things at home that were really stressing me & my upset over the breastfeeding reached fever pitch! I got to baby massage & proceeded to cry on the trainer & all the Mums! I felt such an idiot but just couldn’t help it. When I got home J was v unsettled & I couldn’t get anything done. In the end I rang my MIL & asked her to come down & help me. I cried on her as soon as she walked in! We got some things sorted whilst my FIL watched J & I asked her whether she’d come to the clinic with me. I was so nervous about J’s weigh in I didn’t want to be on my own. I needn’t have worried, she’d put on a whole pound in just 6 days! I was hoping for half a pound so was absolutely over the moon! I still ended up crying yet again on the HV & the playgroup workers over the breastfeeding thing though! I think it’s because I knew it was over & that from now she would be bottle fed. I couldn’t deny the results & between getting more milk & the Gaviscon, she’d been a different baby.

J has continued to improve since going onto bottles & Gaviscon. She’s so much happier & is full of smiles all the time now. She’s also slept through for the last 5 nights! We had a really good time at baby massage this week. I think the Mums & the trainer were relieved to see us both so much happier after last weeks meltdown! I resisted getting her weighed later that day at the clinic as I’ve promised myself I’ll still only do it every other week. I’m hoping for another pound on. Is it Monday yet?! lol

As for me, I’m just about down off the ceiling! The last 10 weeks has been one hell of a ride! Motherhood is the steepest learning curve in the world, fact! I feel like I’ve found my feet a little bit now though & I’ve got to know my little girl. My body has recovered as much as it’s going to I think LOL. I was back to my pre pregnancy weight by my 6 week check which I’m seriously chuffed about. My stretch marks are fading already. I just need to get rid of the strange over hang that is my belly! I was expecting way worse though as you know!

I’m not quite sure my foof will ever be the same again. I wasn’t up to getting jiggy until 2 months had gone by. We’d had a snog & dry hump after about 5 weeks as Andy “Couldn’t resist me” (awwww) but I knew I wasn’t ready for anything more than that! Plus I hadn’t sorted any contraception out. I asked to go on the mini pill at my six week check & once it was in my system, we finally did the deed after almost 11 months! My wonderful boyfriend assured me it wasn’t like throwing a sausage up an alleyway like I’d feared (phew!) but he did say ”It does feel different though, I won’t lie” It’s time to ramp up the pelvic floor exercises me thinks hahaha!

I still can’t believe I made my beautiful girl in my tummy & she’s now here in our lives & our hearts. She’s given new meaning to everything & I love her with everything I have.

I’ve taken hundreds of pics of J but it could be a few days before I get chance to sort some out to put on here. I’m going to publish this post & add pics to the next one or it’ll never see the light of day! Here’s one of my fave shots to be going on with:

After everyone left I was taken onto a ward.  I obviously couldn’t feel my lower half or walk which was very strange!  Jessica was put next to me in one of the plastic boxes on wheels & every time she cried I had to ring for a midwife!  I just kept staring at her unable to believe she was here & she was mine.

I tried to breastfeed her but she wouldn’t latch on.  The midwives told me not to worry & that they would help me in the morning.  I don’t think I slept much which after being up all weekend & having a traumatic birth wasn’t ideal.  I was brought breakfast in bed then it was time to try & walk.  I’d been dreading getting the feeling back in my nether regions for obvious reasons!  I felt like I’d been kicked really hard & had to walk very slowly in a rather funny way!  The midwives looked after Jessica while I had my first shower.  I know it sounds dramatic but it really took it out of me!  By the time I went back to my bed I was really shaky & weak.  Jessica chose then to do the famous black tar poo but I struggled to hunch over the cot & clean her so the midwife did it for me!

The other girls on the ward were really quiet.  I kept trying to catch their eye & smile but they both kept themselves well & truly to themselves.  It’s a good job the midwives were all nice & chatty!  I think I spent most of the Monday (in between visits) trying to breastfeed.  I was beyond tired & to say I looked like hell is an understatement!  I had to put some make up on for visiting time or people would have worried!  The breastfeeding wasn’t going well at all, Jessica just wouldn’t latch on.  She had her blood sugars checked to make sure they weren’t too low & they were OK but after trying to feed her all night, the midwives suggested that she have a bottle just to keep her going.  They took her & fed her & then looked after her while I got a bit of much needed sleep. 

Tuesday was a lovely day.   I felt a bit more human & Jessica had her first bath.  I was too nervous to do it so a lovely midwife did it whilst another equally lovely midwife hand expressed me!  She was going to help me try & get Jessica latched on but said if we expressed some off to give her in the meantime at least I could stop worrying she hadn’t had anything.  She said I had enough colostrum to feed the entire floor which was pleasing.  We got a couple of syringes full which she drank in 2 seconds flat!

Once Jessica was all nice & clean she had her pic taken by the lady from Bounty.  She was so well behaved & cute & I was so proud.  Andy arrived just in time to catch it being done, it was a lovely experience.  When I look at the pic now I can’t believe how much she’s changed already!

After the photo session I set about trying to breastfeed once again.  After nearly 2 days of really hard work & having my norks handled by pratically every midwife in the hospital, Jessica finally latched on.  It was an amazing moment & after worrying that I wouldn’t like/enjoy breastfeeding, it felt like the most natural thing in the world.  I love feeding my little girl.

I could have gone home that evening but was worried in case Jessica didn’t continue to feed so decided to stay another night.  The quiet girls had gone by then & another girl had come in.  She was very talkative but her little boy was born early & was in special care with dodgy lungs.  She was crying a lot & I felt so sorry for her.  It made me feel guilty that I had my baby with me but at the same time even more grateful than ever that she was OK. 

On Wednesday September 8th it was time to take our baby home.  I felt really nervous about leaving my little bubble at the hospital.  The food was crap & I was woken far too early but I felt safe & secure in there with the midwives just feet away.  I couldn’t have asked for better care, they were all amazing & gave me so much help & support with the breastfeeding.  I worried I wouldn’t cope without them especially when I couldn’t even work out the car seat lol. 

I’d imagined the moment I walked out of the hospital with my baby so many times.  Jessica was really chilled & it was a nice sunny day so it was a lovely little moment.  I was so on edge all the way back & watching other drivers like a hawk!  My Step Dad drove nice & careful bless him.  The next post will be all about our arrival home.  Until then, here’s a couple of pics:

I’m going to write a seperate post about baby because this one is going to be all about Nan.  On July 10th she was taken by the angels.  She never did come out of hospital and despite knowing it was coming, it was such a shock.

Nan’s last 2 weeks weren’t very happy ones and I think that’s what makes it even harder.  She was put in a side room in a horrible ward.  It was hot & they didn’t have enough fans to go round so hers was taken off her when someone else went in with a temperature.  There was no TV,  she was woken between 5 & 6am every day and she wasn’t allowed out of the room in case she caught an infection.  Every day was a long day and she was so miserable.  She didn’t enjoy the food either and became less and less like herself by the day.  In the end we kicked off so much about there being no TV that the hospital said we could take one in.  My Mum n Sis went to Asda and got her little flat screen & from then on, we had to be quiet while she watched the soaps!  It defo cheered her up a bit bless her.

On Thursday 8th July the docs told my Mum that Nan had weeks rather than months to live.  It wasn’t anything we didn’t know but was still heartbreaking to hear and little did we know she only actually had 2 days.  That night, I saw Nan for the last time.  She wasn’t in brilliant health or spirits and as I stood in the doorway saying goodbye and telling her I loved her, I found myself desperately wishing I could do something to make things better for her.  Looking back I think I knew deep down I wasn’t going to see her again and I felt so upset leaving her that night.

On Friday 9th July me n my Sis went to London.  We were in 2 minds about going when we were told Nan hadn’t had a great night and wanted to come home as soon as we got there.  We went for a close friend’s birthday & it was actually a lovely evening once we managed to chill out a bit.  The next morning both my Sis and I had a bad feeling.  She asked me to call the hospital as soon as she got up but I’d already done it.  They said Nan hadn’t had a great night again but was doing OK.  I so wish I’d called her on her mobile now or at least told them to pass on my love. 

Our train was at 11am and I was due at another friend’s for her baby shower at 1pm.  I was originally going to visit Nan in the evening but changed my plans so I could go to the 3pm visit with my Sis.  I just wanted to see her.  I’d been home about 20 minutes when my Sis appeared in my kitchen crying.  Everyone had been trying to call me but I’d left my phone in my bag which was upstairs and I was outside catching up with Andy.  Mum had received a call from the hospital to say Nan was dying and we needed to get there quickly.  I was so shocked I didn’t cry I just got my stuff together and rang my Brother to find out whether he was driving us all there.  He came and picked us up 5 minutes later.  Mum was staying at Nan’s flat so was being taken to hospital by my Step Dad from there.

When we arrived we were met by a nurse who asked us if we’d been called in and when we said yes, he redirected us to the office where my Mum was sat crying.  We were too late, Nan had passed away before any of us could get there.  We all stood in the tiny, hot office hugging and crying while the staff were preparing Nan so we could go and see her.  My Brother didn’t want to see her so we let Mum go in first then me n my Sis went in.  That’s when I really cried.  She looked like she was asleep & I kept thinking she was blinking.  I just kept staring at her unable to believe she was gone.  My Mum was in such a state and I found it so hard to watch as well as deal with my own feelings.  My Sis went to check on my Brother so it was just me and Mum until my wonderful best friend turned up.  I feel bad that she had to witness what she did but will be eternally grateful that she was there.  She helped us pack Nan’s things up and when Mum finally left the room, I said my own private goodbye.

I took the following week as holiday from work and it was spent arranging the funeral and sorting Nan’s things.  Both of these things were so hard.  Sorting through someone’s belongings evokes so many feelings and memories.  We all found it so difficult to part with any of it but had to bin some stuff and give the rest away.  Some days it really took it’s toll and I hope I don’t have to do it again any day soon.

On Friday July 16th the undertakers rang to let us know that Nan was at the funeral home in the chapel of rest.  We needed to pay some of the bill so while Mum carried on at the flat, I went to sort it out.  I couldn’t go there without going to see Nan.  She still looked like she was asleep and I cried my heart out.

The next day would have been her 80th birthday.  She was supposed to come to my house for a family party but instead we visited her at a funeral home.  Mum totally broke down again.  Afterwards we went for something to eat in Nan’s favourite place in her home town then in the evening we still had the party in her honour and celebrated her life.

On Monday 19th July Nan was brought to my Sister’s.  Some people think this is a bit weird but it’s the old way and what Nan wanted and I have to say, I’m glad we did it.  We stayed up with her til 1am (partly cuz we were still printing the order of service for the funeral!) and I’ll always be grateful for that extra time with her.

The funeral was on Tuesday 20th July, 7 years to the day since my Dad died.  We worked so hard to give Nan an amazing send off and I think we succeeded.  Somehow my Mum delivered the Eulogy.  She said she wanted someone who knew Nan to talk about her rather than the vicar and I must admit, it made it more touching and personal.  The service was held at the church she used to go to then we went to the Crem.  That was the worst bit.  My Mum howled and sobbed which was horrible to witness.  

I had the next day off work but couldn’t take anymore time as I’d run out of hols and they already gave me the 3 days that week as compassionate leave.  In a way going back has taken my mind off things a bit but in other ways, I so wish I was at home.  I could cry and be miserable in peace when I feel like it then. 

It’s weird how life goes on.  It has to, I know that but now there’s another huge hole in my heart that feels like it will never heal.  My Nan was like a 2nd Mum and such a massive part of my life.  I miss her so much and I’m so sad that my baby won’t have the pleasure of her love.  I will make sure he/she knows all about Nanny Mabel though and know she’ll always be with us in spirit.

We got back about 3.30pm on the Friday and after unpacking and having something to eat, I made my way over to Nan’s.  It was then I found out that she’d ended up back in hospital the day I went on hols.  She wasn’t ill as such but in desperate need of a transfusion.  Because she needed so much (4 bags of red bloods cells and a bag of platelets) they had to admit her.  Nan wasn’t very happy about this and then when she got let out a couple of days later, there was a lot to sort out.  Her care package started so her and Mum had to explain all her illnesses and requirements to every carer that came in.  Nan’s also on a lot of medication and Mum has to sort all that out.  It was basically a really stressful week for them both and they’d had enough.  After being away from it all f or a few days and feeling particularly hormonal, it affected me even more than usual.  They were both snapping at each other and getting upset over little things, it was awful.  I just wanted to cry my eyes out.  I somehow held myself together because me crying would have just made things worse.  By the time I left, I was an emotional wreck.

Since then, Mum has been home for a break & Nan managed to stay out of hospital until last Saturday.  She’s come down with a chest infection.  She was also severely dehydrated through not drinking enough.  We really thought she was gonna die again on Sunday as she was in a bad way.  She’s on antibiotics and has had bag after bag of saline to rehydrate her.  She has to have a nebulizer and oxygen every day though as her breathing isn’t great.  The docs have said today that she might be allowed out Monday or Tuesday but we’ll see.

After a chat with Mum and her Sister, Nan’s finally realised that she’s not gonna get better and that she needs 24 hour care.  I never thought this would happen as she’s been saying ‘When I get better’ and even asking how long the carers will be going in for.  She got very upset but told Mum to start looking for a good nursing home.  It’s so sad but absolutely necessary.  Even though she has carers and nurses going in twice a day, she’s still on her own for quite a while and is in charge of her own nutrition and medication.  She’s not eating and drinking enough and half the time, she doesn’t say if she’s not feeling too good.  She always seems to leave it until she’s at death’s door and gets sent to hospital.  Mum can’t stay with her all the time and when she’s not there, we worry so much.  We don’t want her to go into a home but know it’s for the best.

Baby wise things are good.  I’m suffering a bit but baby is OK and that’s the main thing.  I went to see my consultant last week.  I had my blood pressure taken (which was normal as usua)l and my urine tested.  They said it was showing sugar and needed to be sent off.  I got sent back to the waiting room expecting to see the consultant next when I was called in for a scan.  I had no idea why I was having a scan and neither did the sonographer but I wasn’t complaining!  It was amazing to see baby again.  She said it was being a wriggler but still managed to get all the measurements.  I asked if she could tell me how much baby weighs and give me an approximate birth weight.  After a few calculations she informed me that baby was about 3lb 2oz and if it carried on growing at the same rate and I went full term, the birth weight could be around 8lb 12oz!!!  I’d convinced myself baby was gonna be 7lb max because of the measurement the midwife did at 25 weeks.  When I finally went in to see the consultant I found out that’s why I’d had a scan.  She saw where the midwife had plotted baby’s growth on the chart and was concerned because it wasn’t even on the below average line.  It’s now on the above average line

A few days after my appointment I received a letter from the hospital saying that they’d found ‘mixed growth’ in my urine.  They wanted me to send another sample in.  I went to see the midwife yesterday and showed her the letter.  They tested my urine again and it showed blood & protein this time which means I definitely have some sort of infection.  They’ve sent my sample to the hospital so I’ve just got to wait now.  It’s made me feel a bit unsettled because  UTI’s can bring on premature labour if they’re not treated.  I just want to know what it is and get on antibiotics. 

I’ve finally been cursed with the dreaded swollen feet.  I know it’s just the heat and/or fluid retention and not pre eclampsia because my blood pressure is fine.  It’s not causing me any pain at the moment it’s just not a good look.  My beloved has just informed me I have cankles!!!

I’ve been buying some more bits & bobs.  I got some cute vests & sleepsuits and that’s me pretty much done clothes wise.  I’ve found the monitors I want and will be ordering them shortly.  There’s a few more things left on the list which I’ll hopefully get over the next few weeks.  I need to sort my hospital bag too!

The nursery is finally in progress.  Andy started stripping it last weekend and is finishing it this weekend.  His Brother has booked a plasterer to skim the walls on Monday.  Once that’s done and dry, painting will commence!  The floorboards are OK but not brilliant so we can’t decide whether to mess around making them brilliant or just get a new carpet. 

I thought the last trimester would drag but at the moment, it’s flying by.  I’m 30 weeks pregnant on Saturday!!  Baby could be here in as little as 8 weeks, OMG!!  I’m dying to meet baby now and know what sex it is and what it looks like.  I managed to convince myself that I’m having an ugly baby last week!  Stupid I know but a couple of friends have both had gorgeous babies recently and I started thinking ‘What if my baby is really ugly?!  People will expect pics and won’t know what to say if mine’s an ET look a like!’  Andy said it will be beautiful just like it’s Mummy.  He knows all the right things to say.  Apart from the cankles comment lol.

I’m generally feeling a bit low at the moment.  I find myself wishing that life was more normal and that I could concentrate on looking after myself and getting ready for baby.  Then I feel really selfish for thinking that way.  I’m probably just hormonal so will stop boring you and leave you with some new bump pics…